I can't stand it
by PrincessZeldaWolf
Summary: AU Matthew is friends with Francis, but what if he wants to be more? Oneshot, maybe a twoshot if I get the time; possibly one-sided Franada; rated for language & slash m/m


**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia. I only wish I did :) Yaoi would ensue...**

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This is a love story…kind of. It's not a sob story, but I wouldn't consider it a particularly happy one either. I don't know if it has a happy ending yet. I hope it does, but that's unrealistic. It may not be that interesting of a story either, but I need to tell it, even if I'm just telling you, a total stranger. This is my story.

When I was little, I always felt that something about me was different. I still fit in for the most part. It's hard not to when no one notices you. But something was off, I just couldn't put my finger on it.

As I grew up, I did what the other kids did. I copied them to try to find my identity or some shit like that. I really don't know, I just know that I wanted people to like me.

Blah blah blah, my childhood goes by, nothing really interesting happens, aside from the fact that… no never mind, nothing even the least bit interesting happened while I was growing up.

My uncle died when I was eleven, which sent me into depression for a while. I'm an only child, so I tend to keep to myself and bottle everything up inside of me 'til it just explodes.

My parents were grieving, and none of my friends really understood, so I talked to my best friend's dad. Alfred's dad is a little scary 'til you get to know him, but he's a great listener. Mr. Kirkland really helped me during that point in my life. He's different form most adults; he takes me seriously.

I've always been around adults, and they enjoy talking to me for some reason. I think it's cause I'm quiet and polite, so they think they can talk to me and say whatever the hell they want, because hey, I'm just a kid, I can't judge them.

Now Alfred, he's something else. Something very strange. He's everything that I'm not. But I trust him with my life. We're like brothers. Heck, we've even been mistaken for brothers on occasion; we do look similar.

I don't even remember how we met, but we've been friends forever, so what does it matter. But I haven't even told this story to him. I probably should, but I don't know what he'd think of me. I couldn't bear to lose him too.

It started when I was in seventh grade. This new boy came to school, and he didn't have any friends. I mean, any real friends. Gilbert pretended to be friends with him, but talked shit about him behind his back.

His only other friend, Antonio, had moved away a long time ago. I knew what it was like to be alone, so I started talking to him one day, and we just hit it off. He talked a lot, and I was content to listen.

I found out that his name was Francis, he was a year older than me, he was from France, he liked Lord of the Rings (but don't tell anyone), and he was kind of a pervert. But he was hilarious and really, really nice. I found it quite interesting and thought he was funny, but apparently everyone else had a problem with it.

No one understood him, and no one noticed me, so we got along quite well. He needed me to physically be there for him, and I needed him to talk all my problems away.

It sounds silly, but he's so good with words. He always knew what to say to make me feel better.

I suck at talking. Now, actual advice, that I can do. But when it comes to comforting someone, I seem to forget the English language. And French. I'm fluent in both, but not when someone is crying in front of me. That only leaves me with my sarcasm, and that doesn't help much in that situation. So I leave the talking to Francis.

I don't know when it became less like a friendship, and more like a crush, but by junior year, I knew I definitely felt something for him. We had become best friends, closer than even Alfred and I had become, but now it was more than that.

It was really confusing because I didn't think I was gay. I had had a girlfriend and everything. She was nice, we just didn't work out. I was still attracted to girls; could I be attracted to guys, too?

Sure I kind of looked like a girl, with my shoulder length blond hair and baby face, but did I feel like a girl? Maybe. I just didn't know. I mean, I liked sports and stuff, especially hockey, and I liked video games (Zelda ftw!) but girls can like all that, too. And guys can like stuffed animals and drawing.

I kind of felt like both a guy and a girl, if that makes any sense. It was a very difficult feeling for my sixteen year-old mind to process.

Anyway, I found Francis very good-looking, and it didn't help that he loved to flirt-tease with me. That is now a word because of him. He said stuff like, "If we had kids, they'd be sexy as hell," and "We should have sex sometime," but I could never tell if the goddamn bastard was kidding.

He said that stuff to the girls, too, so I usually dismissed it as him just feeling the need to flirt. There was also this one time when we went clothes shopping, and I was on the phone while he was waiting for me to try on a shirt and some jeans.

Apparently I was taking too long, because he came into the dressing room, undressed me, put the new clothes on me, decided they looked good and that we were buying them, and then proceeded to undress me and put my own clothes back on me. I couldn't decide whether this turned me on or made me feel like a fucking Barbie doll.

But what was the worst was when he would call me "babe." I don't know why that one simple word made me unable to think clearly for a few minutes, or why he seemed not to notice how it affected me.

We did normal friend stuff together, and soon I had resigned myself to just being friends with him. Don't fix it if it ain't broke, right? Or at least, that's what Alfred would say.

But of course, that's when Francis had to go and get a girlfriend. It was only a couple days after they started dating that I met her.

She told me her name was Madeline. Apparently they had known each other for a few years, though he failed to mention her before this. She was pretty enough and seemed nice to me.

Once we got to talking, I realized that she was kind of like me. A lot like me, actually: quiet unless angry, cynical, and a little insecure. She looked like me, too. It was flattering that I was his type, but then why wasn't he just dating me?

He had said several times that if I was a girl, he'd date me. So why was my gender stopping him? He certainly didn't act like that would matter. I mean, he acted gayer than me, and by this time I knew I definitely liked guys as well as girls.

Was he just afraid of what people would think? Of what I would think? Maybe that was it, I realized. I decided to talk to him about it once we were alone, but I didn't get the chance that day, because Francis and Madeline had to leave for a dinner reservation or something like that.

When he texted me that night, he was so full of excitement, I thought he might burst. Apparently, he had had his first kiss when they said goodbye. Yes, his first kiss. I know what you're probably thinking, but no, he wasn't as smooth as his reputation would lead one to believe. I'm not even sure how he got that reputation.

Anyway, he was going on and on about how the kiss had been perfect, and I just felt like I was gonna puke. I had secretly been hoping that I would be his first kiss, but now that hope was shattered.

I'm just glad that my parents had some neighbors over for dinner, so I didn't cry. I'm okay with shedding a few tears now and then, but I do not cry in front of people. That's out of the question.

It just so happened that that's when my favorite song started to play on my YouTube playlist: "Can't Stand It" by nevershoutnever. Francis finally stopped talking about his date and asked me what I was doing. I debated for a few minutes whether I should send the text I wanted to, and finally decided, "What the hell, I might as well tell him."

**Text received 7-21-2012 10:46 pm**

**Mattie:**

_Listening to a song that reminds me of you._

To which I almost immediately received the reply I was expecting:

**Text received 7-21-2012 10:46 pm**

**Francy-pants:**

_and what song wud that b?_

**Text received 7-21-2012 10:47 pm**

**Mattie:**

_Can't Stand It _

**Text received 7-21-2012 10:48 pm**

**Francy-pants:**

_ive probly heard it but cud u tell me hw it gos?_

**Text received 7-21-2012 10:50 pm**

**Mattie:**

_Baby, I love you I never want to let you go. The more I think about the more I want to let you know that everything you do is super fucking cute, and I can't stand it._

**Text received 7-21-2012 10:50 pm**

**Francy-pants:**

_…um…thnx? i am prtty sxy_

**Text received 7-21-2012 10:52 pm**

**Mattie:**

_Francis, I want you to know that I love you, and I always will. You don't have to feel the same way. I'm fine with us just being friends for now. I just needed to tell you and get this off my chest. _

I'm sad to say that I haven't heard from him since, but it's only been a week. It's summer break, so we haven't had any reason to see each other, and I'm pretty sure he's avoiding me at the moment.

I don't blame him. I'd be avoiding me, too, if I could. I'm gonna wait a while before I try to talk to him again. Hopefully he won't hate me.

If anything new happens, I'll let you know, but for now, that's it. I just have to be patient.

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**Author's note: **Yeah, well this story turned into crap :P This is actually all true, I just changed the names to characters from Hetalia. This is what happened between my Bff and I, just switch all the genders. I really needed to tell someone, and I thought this would be the best way. Erm... yeah. My other stories I'm working on are much better than this, trust me :P My hands just kinda threw this up onto the keyboard. Reviews would be very much appreciated, since this is my first fanfiction I have published on here :) If no one responds, I don't see a reason to write the rest, so please let me know if you'd like to read more of this story. And feel free to let me know about any grammar issues :P Thanks for reading!


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